Not OK to Judge Patient/Family Anger

Something goes wrong.  Maybe really wrong.  A patient is injured, or, worse, dead, following questionable circumstances.  Was it a medical error, or an "unforeseen adverse event?"  Who knows?  What we do know is the family is angry.  Very angry.  Crying and screaming out loud. Hurling accusations. Possibly cursing...maybe lots and lots of cursing.  Most likely threatening litigation.  How would you feel and act if it was the love of your life?  

Here's a tip: Do NOT judge them.  Do not tell people how they should act -- or not act -- in what may be the worst moments of their lives.  Don't be turned off by their anger.  Just be quiet and listen.  The worst thing you can do to someone experiencing soul-ripping grief is inform them how they should behave.  "Well, you need to watch your temper, cursing is not OK, and CALM DOWN."   Instead of deescalating, you will only get more of the same, and possibly worse.  Again, listen and make them feel heard, and let them run out of steam on their own.   

Now, if the family is threatening physical violence, please protect yourself and others.  But short of threats...just let them air it out and look for moments where you or others can intercede in a positive manner.  

This epiphany came to me recently when I was really angry concerning another person's incompetence that caused great stress in my life.  Thankfully, this was not a life-or-death matter, but it still mattered to me...and I was really angry.  I made my feelings known.  And when I finally spoke to a manager who was very empathetic (he said "sorry") and solution-orientated, this caring person made one little slip up by judging my reaction to someone else's screw up.  I politely cut off the manager and reminded him that he does not get to judge my anger.  I had not crossed any ethical or legal lines, so, he just needed to listen, empathize, and work on rebuilding the relationship with me.  And that is all you need to do in a medical setting...

Thank you for reading...

- Doug

Doug Wojcieszak, MA, MS
Sorry Works!
618-559-8168